"Exotic" foods

Having been a bit under the weather this week, I decided to tackle my homesickness by throwing money on it, splurging on some rare foods so that if nothing else at least my stomach would feel at home.

First, bread.

I cannot overemphasize the sheer unadulterated sucktitude of Japanese bread. It's like they've fundamentally misunderstood the concept. First off, there is no crust. Even if it looks crusty, that is a lie. It will be soft, squishy and awful. They'll serve MASSIVE thick slices, but the size is incredibly deceptive; the doughy white substance compresses to almost nothing at the slightest touch. Yet that is probably a public health requirement or something, because the small amount of solid matter that actually is there is made almost exclusively of butter. It tastes like nothing, contains nothing and will make you fat. BLERGH!

While I do like rice, my stomach grew up on BREAD goddamnit, DARK NUTRITIOUS FILLING HEALTHY DELICIOUS BREAD! With SALTY STUFF ON TOP.

And finally, finally,

Real, crusty, crumbly, rich, fragrant, delicious. Even though it did turn out to be kind of stale, my bread-starved digestive system was all appretiation. But wait, it gets better.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I could hardly believe my eyes.

And my luck continued!

KOS!

Along with bread, cheese another thing Japan does with less than stellar expertise. Most of it is really weird - like an imitation cheese made by someone who only heard tales about the stuff from a drunk sailor*.

*who took out his foot and said "THAT. IT SMELLS LIKE THAT!"


But locating a familiar brand, I figured that heck, I can be French today. Let's cheese and wine this bread I found!


And since I still didn't feel like I'd blown my daily budget quite enough, I also got some smoked salmon.

Yuuuuuuuuum!

"So what is Norwegian culture?"
"Basically this picture."

Got home and dug my old and careworn yet still perfectly delicious brown cheese that I save for special occasions, and got ready to feast.

Viola*:

Violas never get enough attention.

Look at my face so happy!

Mmmmm fooood

Yes!

YUM!
But seriously, you have no idea how rare a simple meal like this is here.

Homesick-level: Reduced.

Happy-level: Increasing.

Feeling like such an obvious stranger wherever I go these days, it was really good to tangibly remind myself that there is a place where I do belong. Makes it easier to keep on not belonging. Beh-long. Be long. Blong. 

Go suck a cheese slicer!

GOODNIGHT!

Kaffeslabberas

The misadventures of a New Zealander, a Norwegian, and an Icelandic person, together in the country of the Horribly Weak Coffee.

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We decided to have a proper Afternoon Coffee (because Afternoon Tea is for sissies and British people (no relation)). You see, it is not all that easy to get yourself a good cup of black yum in this place. I have heard a rumour that Japanese people have a liver function about half as effective as your average Scandinavian, and by the strength of their caffeinated beverages I am inclined to believe it. So we bought some fresh ground Brazilian beans and got brewin'.

But first, an improvised dinner.

Cheap Cava, because it's Monday that's why.

Bread glorious bread.

Do you know what else is expensive and hard to come by? Do you see that bread? Most Japanese bread is not bread. No really. It's not even trying. It's ... butter cake. Or something. But this baguette actually didn't totally fail at being a baguette, and so it holds the title as the first marginally decent piece of bread I've had since I left Norway. Also, take a look at the bottom left corner of the picture above. Yeah, I'll get back to that later...


Anyways, every good Norwegian knows that you can't have Kaffeslabberas (Afternoon Coffee yeah?) without waffles. And I'm not talking about your big floppy American waffle, nor your stiff and thick Belgian kind. I'm talking about Norwegian (or possibly Scandinavian) waffles. Social waffles. The Waffles of Happiness and Koselig.

Yeah I'm making waffles in Japan. What did you do today?

This is actually sugar, I swear.
Or, if it really was what both look and texture
would suggest, it would certainly explain
why my waffles were so delicious.

Of course, I had to use soy milk because Icelandic people are vampires who explode when exposed to dairy products (#CommonKnowledge). 

And of course, I didn't actually have a waffle iron. So, being a genius, I made waffle batter pancakes.

In a rectangular pan.

Is a waffle without a waffle iron still a waffle?
Is this a relevant question, or am I just
waffling?

Behold the Rectangular Scandinavian Waffle Pancakes!

I believe the word you're looking for is YUM!

But wait!

There's more.

I HAD A BROWN CHEESE! AND A GODDAMN CHEESE SLICER!

YEAH! Suck on my patriotism; it is delicious!

But I was not the only person bringing my culture to the table. My New Zealandian compatriot bestowed upon our table the gift of Vegimite*!

*I'm reading Lord of the Rings at the moment, 'kay? My English is pretty malleable.

This, the most important of New Zealand cuisine. (Sorry, Marmite people)

She also opened my eyes to the magic that is New Zealand comercials. Seriously. You go youtube that shit right now; there is a world of wonder to which you may awaken dare you only take the first step. I will even  help you. This is an airline safety video. You should click on that link. You should watch it, and come back here afterwards.


....done?

Okay.

Eventually we did get to the coffee. Lacking better equipment, we shared the use of my Bodum french press coffee cup. The afternoon streched into the late night in the end, and we just had a ballin' time.

Although in our haste we might have filled the cup up a bit too much on occation.

Now I'm going to go to sleep.

If I can.

After all, I did have quite a lot of coffee.

I suck at Japanese

Turns out, I suck at Japanese. Big shock.