Japanese food: Not Sushi - FANZYPANTZ

By some amazing stroke of coincidence, this october saw a double aniversary in the IN Tokyo office - one 25 years of employment, and one 50th birthday. These two lovely people (both local employees, both brilliant) decided to pool their celebrations (even though the 25 years of employment guy said he felt a bit embarrased, as Japan usually don't celebrate the 25th year) into one giant KOBE BEEF SUPERDINNER!

I think this was good, though I
don't know much about celebratory champagne.
I usually go for something cheaper. Like cava.
Or apple juice mixed with Farris.

The restaurant was superfancy. The kind that has an illuminated fountain outside, and that gives your table not one but two exclusively designated waiters (one for food and one for drink, duh!). And since this is Japan, we couldn't go to the toilet without being bowed to by at least six different people, with someone politely warning us to "mind our step" at every minor elevation change along the way.

Seriously, the service culture in this country. Seriously!

They had even translated the menu!

I snapped every course, of course. And I will present it all, in order, because I'm just nice like that.

I was really happy I'd had some chips before coming, because in places like this the pace is low and the portions tiny!

Wait what this doesn't look like food...?

OH WAIT!

A box of mixed blessings: Some of the bites BLEW MY MIND WITH GOODNESS but one was basically just a ball of slimy slimy slime. Like thick icky nose juice. And with no napkin I had no polite way of ridding myself of this hellish glob of goo but the one I least wanted to employ. Felt like swallowing a Yeerk. Ick!

The thing is, you never know what something is before you put it in your mouth*. Especially in this case, because everything but the meat is made to look like something else (the orange thing is actually an egg! Wat!). But the attention to detail was just stunning!

*...that's what she said?

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THAT
THIS SINGLE POTATO CHIP SHAPED LIKE A LEAF!!!

Moving on.

Another box'o mystries! I've heard lids are in this season, for some reason.

Apparently that single piece of mushroom on top is more expensive than gold-covered truffle unicorn poop. Or something. I dunno. Tasted like a tasty mushroom.

WINE INTERLUDE:

The trønder in me would like to know why this glass is so big, yet has so little in it. I've heard it has somethig to do with vapours and olfactory completeness of experience. Dunno, my nose isn't really that good.

Half full or half empty? Not even!

Moving on.

Such lid. Much bowl.

'tis was the evening of expensive fungi

When I opened the lid someone asked me if I could smell the truffles, and I was like "So that's what truffles smell like"! #TruffleVirgin #NoMore












The next course was a single small bowl of salt:

J K it was a fried beef ball. With a small bowl of salt.

This ball. This Kobe ball. It shall stay in my dreams forever.

Of course this is Japan, so any volume of unhealthy must be followed by a larger volume of healthy. Cue salad:

Mmmmmmmmmmmm nothing special, really. Pumpkin is always win though.

So they disappointedme slightly with the salad. I think the chef noticed, and decided to make up for it. Angels decended from heaven and bestowed upon me thei ... okay whatever. I just can't make a flowery description of eating meat without some of you making a lewd joke, can I? GAWD, you such children!

Kobe. Beef. Steak. Damnit.

HALLELUJAH!

*heavy breathing*

No words. Just closeup:

#NeverForget

But in the end the last piece was in mah bellah, and as they say in RestaurantBiz the meal must go on. The next bowl hit the table. And I wished it would go away.

Oh Japan. Such highs, such lows...

This is soba noodles and some seaweed in green tea. In itself totally acceptable, though not something I go nuts for.

The thing is, and you can't see this in the picture, is a topping of particular interest to me. They say it is potato. I am still in denial. Potato would never betray me like this.

*sob*

LOOK AT THAT! IT IS SLIME! IT IS ICK! And they put it on top of the noodles and there is NO ESCAPE! 

Everyone knows I'm not a picky eater. But OH MY SHIT WHAT EVEN IS THAT?

grgrahgrghrjgjghj ick ick ick ick ICK ICK ICK EWWWWWWWW YUCK!

I could not not eat it without feeling like an asshat, and I could not separate the slime from the rest, so I just mazeru'd (mixed) the figurative but almost literal shit out of the thing until the hideous texture was almost sufficiently dilluted, and gulped it down with my eyes and tongue as closed as I could make them.

They say this stuff is super healthy. 

I DON'T CARE!

Man, I have to take a break. I think it's time for a 

TOILET INTERLUDE!

The lighting in the toilet felt designet to make me look
superfab. I of course do not need special light for that.

Only fanzypantz has real towels in the loo.

Okay, I'm ready to continue.

Goddamn, we go from high to low to HIGH to LOW and now I'm DONE with you, Japan. I can't TAKE this anymore! Never knowing what to excpect, never being sure of anything, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY... oh hey, is that cake?

The actual desert was just the fruit, since Japan luuuurves seasonal fruit. The cake made me super happy though.

Since there were two guest of honour we got two cakes. SCORE!

Ended with sum maple flavoured tea, because no reason.

When we eventually left the restaurant our personal waiter followed us to the door, and as we walked away down the street I kept looking over my shoulder to see how long he would stay there to see me off. 

Every time I turned, he bowed. 

I could have done it forever!

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We rounded the evening off by an hour at karaoke (only an hour too, a first for me), of which I have no pictures but a video that I will keep to myself and never post online.

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In conclusion, though fancy dinners are nice, it's not quite me. I loved it, no question, but I think I will always hold three buttons on the kind of food you can eat from a reclining position (i.e. chilling on a sofa watching something dumb).

So here's a picture of a slice of Izakaya pizza topped with fries:

Umeboshi Out.